It has been nearly 2 months since I have formed an entry on my site. If you are one of my regular readers I apologize for the long delay, but I felt it was a necessary move. When things in your life become so overwhelming that you can’t see a way through, you have to step away and do whats best for you and your family.
Over the past 2 months, I have seen my wife leave, and begin a relationship with the worst possible example of a “man” I could possibly imagine. I have seen my children, especially my younger son, battle through confusion, depression, and anxiety over the changes. I have returned to a work place that can only be described as volatile, and my mental state has declined because of it. I have seen nothing but dark moments over, and over again. I have seen loved ones go through the same life, and relationship troubles I have, and it has torn a whole in my being.
Through all of this I have been left shaken, and alone. The people closest to me have stood behind me in every way possible. My family, and friends have treated me with more love than I probably deserve, and to them I am beyond grateful. The day that she moved out I sat on the edge of my bathtub with decisions to make. Decisions that would change everything, and I decided to carry on, and try to make my life different than it has been. I decided that despite how I felt, I would love myself, and stay strong for my children. I decided that I was good enough for a future, and how that future looked was completely up to me.
I am still in the fact finding stage of my life, I guess you could say. I am searching for the direction I need to move forward, and be happy in my day-to-day life, but I am getting there.
I have begun to put myself out there a little bit. I broke down about 3 weeks ago because I felt in my heart and soul, that I would be alone forever. That if the person I loved for more than a decade was able to hurt me so badly, with so little care about the damage done, clearly I am so flawed I would never be able to make anyone happy. It was a logical conclusion. That person told me to make a dating profile in a couple places and see what comes back. Be honest about what you write in your profile, be totally open about all of my flaws, nuances, odd political affiliations, and everything else, just be totally me, nd see what comes back.
So I did. I wrote about being a father, a libertarian, a history and science nerd, I made the profile reek with sarcasm, and the most amazing thing happened…….Woman reached out to me. Woman began saying things like “I hope this profile is truthful because you sound like the guy I’ve been looking for” or the best response was “This has to be the weirdest dating profile I have ever seen, is this actually what you’re all about? If so when how soon can we set the wedding date? hahaha”.
My mind was blown, maybe I was good enough after all, maybe in this day and age there are some women who just want a man who likes history podcasts, writing, reading up on scientific discoveries, and new legislation. Maybe being a father isn’t scary to some? Maybe the idea that I don’t have abs, and need to shed a few pounds isn’t a deal breaker? I thought for sure the idea that I want to give away my material possessions, start growing my own food, and become a blacksmith would certainly scare off the stragglers that kicked around after reading the first half of the profile, but oddly enough it didn’t.
In 2 weeks I had 65 messages to my account. 65 messages, none of which I initiated. It’s sad to say but those 65 messages made me feel better about myself than I had in years. Of the 65 I have continued to speak with 2, coincidentally, they were the first 2 I received. Both women are unique, highly intelligent, extraordinarily interesting, with different but shared interests to me, and as an added bonus, truly gorgeous.
I don’t know what will happen, but for the first time I’m starting to understand that no matter how terrible 2017 was, maybe 2018 can be great after all.