Today for the first time in my life I can say that I lost my path. I lost my vision of why I continue to go on. I am not suicidal but I fear that these thought could become transformative. I was woken by my wife this morning on the verge of a panic attack. She came to me to see if we could sit and talk so she could feel better. It was 5 AM, and I was sitting on the couch with the woman I love, trying to make her feel better, I held her in my arms, I felt safe and trusted her for the first time in months. In the midst of our conversation, however, I realized that for months I have been experiencing that pain myself without even so much as a caring touch. I held her in my arms and I cried, trying not to draw attention to my tears.
We spoke about a lot of different things. Her thoughts of doubt about where our relationship was headed, and her confusion over what is real and what is mental illness in regards to her thoughts. We spoke about the guy she is in a relationship with and how that makes us both feel. We spoke about trust and pain and everything in between. By conversations end, she was calm and ready to sleep, and I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
At 5:40 she went to sleep and I got dressed and went for a walk. It was pouring rain outside so momentarily I hesitated and thought about going for a drive but the only thing that ever makes me feel normal is walking and being in my head. I walked around our town for more than 2 hours in the downpour, sobbing like a baby and trying to place my feelings. Why was I so sad? Why couldn’t I just let her go? Why after everything don’t I just hate her? None of it makes sense. All I want is to look at her and feel nothing but that seems to be unattainable.
This whole process of being hurt by her has taught me not to trust people, and the PTSD has taught me not to trust myself. I have nowhere to lean, no safe place to go. I feel like there is not much point, and I can’t shake that feeling. One of the hardest things about all of this is learning to distrust other peoples opinions, I receive advice and sympathy from people and then they go across the table to her and offer the exact opposite opinion. Everyone just wants to be heard, and I suppose that is more important to them than understanding that they are creating chaos in our lives. I have no idea who and what is real.
I sit here in my bed, again in tears, just wanting to feel nothing towards her. She has caused so much pain in my word, and doesn’t seem to realize or care at all. She hugged me today when I was crying, I trembled, and my whole body felt warm. She is a drug, and I have no control over my feelings for her.
I never want her to hurt, but part of me hopes that she develops a great love for this guy, and he betrays her and hurts her in the fashion I have been hurt so she can understand the helplessness I feel. Maybe this guy is the “true” love of her life or maybe he is what I think he is, but either way the damage has been done. She leaves in 3 weeks, until then I will continue to hurt and she will continue to build walls. Hopefully those walls close some of the wounds I feel, but realistically they won’t, and I will continue to feel empty and hopeless.
I feel like life has no meaning other than my children, and I am afraid in the time that they are gone my thoughts will become stronger than passing glimpses of worthlessness, and move to a dark place. I gave my heart to someone, and it was disposed of with little remorse. I don’t know if I will every fully trust someone again. The pain and emptiness in my heart is becoming all encompassing, and I just need a chance to regroup. I have neither a properly functioning heart or brain at this point, and that means I am being guided solely by will.
My greatest fear is the realization that will can be broken, much like everything else in my life.