Yesterday was the day that things became official. Paperwork is coming, and after months of rotating sleeping on a couch or crashing at someones else’s house, we cleared out the office and turned it into a 3rd bedroom for her. I wish we had the ability to just make a clean break and not have to sleep 6 feet from each other but for now it just isn’t possible.
We also talked about specifics. Not for the first time, but for the first time we spoke even about small things. Household items each of us would like to keep, visitation schedules, what we would like to do as a family and when to respect individual time with kids. Even how to navigate other relationships and what we both hope can be the case when romance happens to us both.
She and I are both a bit strange, and after the pain and sadness of this transitional time ends, I know we will be able to salvage at worst a strong friendship out of this. When I meet someone I want that person and Shauna to be close friends, that is very important to me, and plays a part in how I am choosing a partner in the future. I told her that I want to be able to call up her boyfriend and go for a beer, it is so important for us to be able to function like that because we are forever tied together and certainly don’t want to end up like other failed marriages we know, with hostility and anger present after years apart.
I did tell her as well though, that I will never trust the guy she is currently talking to online. He sets of all sorts of alarm bells for me. Everything I have read, seen or heard strikes me as formulaic and too polished. Something about his backstory is wrong as well. I will never be able to have a relationship with him, never. So it is hard to imagine that as our life. He will never be welcomed into my home, or my space, nothing. The hate and distrust I feel for him is palpable.
Now, I get it, you might be saying to yourself “Well ya you hate him, he’s been sneaking around with your wife” and initially that was part of the reason. But recently I have started to think of her dating, and some of the people she may have interest in. I have pictured the idea of her going out on dates with guys, being happy with other guys, and the concept doesn’t bother me all that much. It stings, don’t get me wrong, but I truly want her to be happy and I really do want to have a positive friendly relationship with whoever she decided to be with. It just can’t be this guy, I know in my bones he is a bullshit artist.
Through the process of selecting household items we actually agreed on the majority of the items very quickly. We both were flexible and willing to bend where needed. There we trades that were made, and I’m sure there will be a million compromises over the course of the next couple of months, but day 1 actually went pretty well all things considering.
I know we have been done essentially since May but yesterday made everything very clear about the process we are about to go through. Maybe that closure will help with everything else that I have been feeling along the way.
Now is time to figure out me, figure out my solo parenting style, and figuring out what the next chapter(s) in my life have in store. It’s sad, so very sad, but with how hard the past 4 or 5 months have been, in a way I’m glad yesterday happened.