Sometimes the process of emotional recovery is a pain in the ass. I am trying to take steps to move on. Yesterday was a good day, but today has not been. There are constant reminders everywhere of both the good and the bad of my marriage, and those reminders spiral me from happy to sad, or content to angry in a matter of seconds.
When my wife, or ex-wife, I’m still not totally sure how to phrase that, read that I was going to go on a date with someone she immediately publicly started her relationship with the online guy again. That hurt me a great deal and I’m not even sure why. But what really made me question her judgment was that she actually thinks that me setting up a date, the day AFTER SHE informed me she is 100% leaving, with no chance for reconciliation, is the SAME thing as her WHILE MARRIED getting into a intimate online “relationship”? I have never been more confused in my life.
So today, I was a mixture of sad and angry, maybe even frustrated. I had no interest in seeing or speaking to her at all, but when she texted me back, I still fucking smiled. As broken as this has made me, my subconscious was still excited to hear from her. This process is making me question a lot of things, but how I clearly feel about her, deep down seems to be unwavering.
I told her I want to be close, and I want to be able to work as a team. Obviously while this hurts, that will be a real challenge. But there was a time where, as she said, we were best friends. Maybe we can get there again and be the weird divorced couple that still spends time together, does family things together and raises kids like fucking champs! It just won’t be now I suppose. But the key is not to burn the bridge while the pain is present.
I think this whole process would have been less painful had the people around us, not continually told me we will get through this. Unwavering everyone was, and even though I didn’t totally believe them, the seed of hope was planted and grew. Only too be snuffed out again.
I am trying to take the high road today. Trying to control the hurt I feel still and the new pains that may still develop. Trying to make this living arrangement as livable as possible. Mostly trying to continue to be a good teammate when it comes to raising our kids.
The hurt will be there, I have no doubt, but there are much more important issues afoot.