Clarity.

Today, I woke up from a very short sleep, clear headed. I woke up hopeful, and I woke up ready to accomplish something. I feel motivated and nearing happy. I am not there yet, but I have at least taken steps towards it. None of these feeling have anything to do with my marriage. Maybe I have resigned myself finally, but I have good things going for me without her.

I start a new adventure with full-time school in January. I still have my sons, and a roof over my head. Over the past week, since my wife has made it clear this is ending, I have done a lot of exploration on the subject, but today felt different. Today actually felt okay. I have 2 close friends who over the past few days during discussions about my marriage, have confided in me that they have always been intrigued by me romantically. At first, the thought of moving on felt gross, and misguided. Today it didn’t. When I woke up, I was surprised to see I had a message on my phone from one of those girls. She was seeing how I was feeling, and as per usual, was genuine in her concern. So I decided to ask her on a “date”.

I don’t think I am ready for dates, I don’t think I am ready for romance in any way, but I crave intimacy desperately. She knows what I am going through, knows the timing is atrocious for both of us, and knows that it likely has no positive end game, but she said she would regret it if she didn’t say yes. I felt relieved. For months I have been so crushed by my wife’s foray into dating, and maybe this is how I finally say fuck it. Maybe I will be able to mask the hate I feel temporarily with some levity. This girl is Beautiful, sweet, caring, kind, and fun. Maybe the timing is bad but a night out would be a breath of fresh air, and frankly, you never know what happens.

I am going to do my best to not think about the past or the future for a while. I am going to try and be in the present and just live day-to-day. My mom told me to count my blessings, I always hated that saying, but right now it is true. I have a good life, in a weird place, but that doesn’t take the meaning from it.

Shit, and if things get hard, just kill ’em with kindness I suppose.


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