Stripping away pieces of yourself is a natural bi-product of being in a long term relationship and having children. You don’t have the time or opportunity for selfish moments. Well I haven’t at least. There are parts of yourself that you prioritize and parts that you left drift away. We try to alter that by adding elements to the parts we keep. If you love to cook, you try and improve. If you loved playing sports, maybe you end up investing more time into watching them more. You try to normalize the loss of passion. You try to fill the gaps where you can.
I am tired of filling gaps. If I want to be truly happy, I need to make myself as whole as I can again. Which is tough because most day I feel like nothing. But I guess the bottom is an easy place to move up from.
I gave up on a lot of things I loved during the course of my relationship. I was a high-end grappler and martial artist. I was an excellent basketball player. I was an elite-level baseball player. I was an athlete. Unfortunate, I allowed those things to be taken away from me. Was I told to? Yes. But in the end was it I, that made the decision to leave them? Yes it was. I miss the feeling of my athletic body. I miss being able to dunk a basketball, submit a black belt, or strike out a clean-up hitter. Now at 32, after years of inactivity, I am not sure if I will be able to regain that form.
Life has a way of wearing you down. Letting it is a decision, however, that we make as individuals. I prioritized my family, my children primarily, and forgot that who I was as an individual mattered too.
With the massive changed going on in my life, I figure now is a great time to embrace me. Show my kids, that I am a strong, positive person who still has the dreams of the child I use to be. So, how about we create a list of things I want to accomplish.
Weight: Current 293, Goal 265.
Running: I want to be able to run a 10k, or maybe compete in Spartan Race.
Baseball: Get back to being involved either as a coach or player. I use to coach a High School team and I loved it.
Basketball: Start playing again. I played College basketball for 3 years, it is how I relax. I love this game more than most can imagine, and when I play it, I am physically fit, and mentally strong.
BJJ/MMA: This I miss more than anything. I teach my kids, but I miss competing. In another life I was a very dominant competitor, the cost of this is high, both financially and physically, but I need it in my life.
Become a full-time Writer: Simply put. This has been my dream for a long time.
Go back to school: I have recently applied to a couple of schools to upgrade with hopes of getting into a University Nursing program. I have always wanted to do this, and the timing never made sense. I think it does now.
I will try to give as many updates as I can. I will probably add to this list as well. Obviously many of these things are long term goals. Hold me to this shit please 🙂