Trust has never been a feeling I come by easily. The idea of letting someone into your world, and blindly trust that they will not damage you or take things away from you is such an odd concept. In 2006, I began trusting someone. We fell in love. We moved in together. We got engaged. Then married. We had 2 beautiful boys together. One full life built on trust and understanding.
The flaws in our relationship were not just hers, I had many as well. Sometimes when 2 people hurt, they begin to hurt in different ways, and the distance becomes to great, I suppose. No matter what pain occurred in our relationship I always looked to her to be the person that loved and supported me. Whatever pain she faced, I always looked to be the person that loved and supported her. Not all love is created equal. Not all love is the same.
When life became too much for my love, she found love in others. When the responsibility of marriage became to much for my love, she escaped into a digital world based around half truths. Not all relationships she found were hollow. Several turned into great friends. But as a whole these shallow digital relationships, stole her ability to be present in our lives together. She was still a great mother, but her relationship with the kids was different as well. Everything had changed.
After she wanted to leave in May, and I tried to talk her into staying and working on things, she shut down completely. My brain went haywire from everything and I broke down. PTSD was and is, the hardest battle of my life. Dealing with the damage it caused just as my wife was leaving was unmanageable in every way. She decided to stay because I collapsed but I was sent to the couch, and all communication was shut down. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t do anything. I had to heal but I didn’t know how, and the person I normally looked to for strength had none to give to me. I was completely alone, and more scared then I had ever been in my life. My logic and reasoning was always the thing I could rely on. That was gone, and so was she. It took 11 weeks to get into therapy….
By the time I had my breakdown, and I had learned enough about my flaws to change, my wife had grown tired of the distance. I tried for a while to fix things, and was met with hesitation, anger and sadness. Then I found out about the other guy. My wife had reached out to a guy online and he made her happy for the time being. She related to him, began talking, and things went to an intimate place. He lives in Tennessee, so although it was conversational in nature, it was a heartbreaking betrayal none the less. She refereed to him as a distraction but hey were intimate in their conversations. Speaking about falling asleep together and being together and leaving their problems behind, starting fresh. But, I was still there, I was still broken, and I was still madly in love with my wife.
She has since continued to be with him despite my concerns. What kind of “Man” goes after a married woman? What kind of “Man” willingly allows himself to be final straw in the tearing apart of a family? What kind of “Man” wants to be the reminder of grief and turmoil and distrust? In my opinion, not a man at all.
A person of this character does not deserve to know my children. Doesn’t deserve to know my life. A relationship veiled in self-indulgence and deceit.
I don’t know how this chapter of my life ends. It seems like it will end with anger, resentment, and lies. Much like the last months of our marriage, I will be alone, and she has a distraction to get her through the pain and sadness of the gravity of her choices.
My wife is the love of my life. Apparently, I was not that for her. How the relationship ended is now how I will see every memory. A reminder that trust is a flawed concept that will only wound you in the long run.
I love you with all of my heart. This will not define my life. It may define yours, however.