Fears, Regrets, and Realizations.

When this blogging journey began, I had no idea what it would mean to me. I figured it would be an excellent way to compile my thoughts and interests into one form for my own personal benefit. Through the process, however, it has turned into so much more. Everyday I look forward to writing about my thoughts and feelings. Some days, the content is hard to nail down, some days it flows off of the finger tips. There are days when I write where life is good, my brain is good, and I am at peace, some days turmoil and chaos take over and despair is the only thing I can appropriately describe.

I latch onto the idea of helping others. Initially the idea that people would read my fears and deepest, darkest ruminations scared the living shit out of me. Being judged from afar is such a weird concept, and if anyone has checked out YouTube comments ever, the internet is not always the best place for vulnerability. But the readers I have, the emails and tweets I receive are always so fucking positive. I almost feel like we have created our own little family. The support of my community, online and personal, has given me the courage to be open and honest with my struggles, no matter how painful or embarrassing. There is so much value, and healing in that for me.

My 2016 was bad, my 2017 has been the worst of my life without a doubt. Which on the grand scale of things, still places it as a great year compared to most I assume. I have kids that love me endlessly, a house that most days I can afford, a job that will welcome me back when my brain is fine to return. I have a wife that wants to be my business partner and not my significant other, a brain that on the best of days is unreliable, and bills that until I return to work are piling up. My problems are no greater than anyone else. They are not unique. But to me they feel all encompassing.

I try very hard to keep everyone up, but I fell under that weight. I fell alone, and I picked myself up alone as well. I have amazing friends who have hounded me with well wishes and support (Tyler, Liz, Jason, Blair, Kenny and most of all Justin), a world-class family that cheers for everything I do, and kids that keep me focused on the bigger picture. Everything else can be what it is. Despite my pain and sadness, I will go on, and I will continue chipping away at my small forms of success. My little life will continue to grow and improve, even if it looks different than it has. Soon enough, I may even find someone who loves me as completely as I choose to love them. The possibilities are infinite, so who the fuck really knows?

2017 was a complete bag-of-shit, but it’s nearly over. 🙂

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