When I started this blog it was just for me, I had no real reason to want it other than the fact that writing was something I loved to do. I have had other blogs in the past, sports based mostly, but I would have never shared personal details of my life on those. I tried to pretend that everything was fine on the surface when, in fact, the foundation of my life and mental health was shaky.
To this day I have still never shared this on Facebook. I have no interest in friends and family seeing what I am writing about. I do not want false endorsements, any “Wow man, what great stuff” and most of all I don’t want sympathy for the “Bad” things I speak about. Opening up to people is scary business because I feel that most people don’t want to listen to the why, they want to tell you the why. It’s infuriating.
Last week I received an email from a high school in the area asking me about whether I would be interested in coming to speak to the kids about my story. The principal in the email said that speaking about mental health to these kids is the most important thing anyone could do. That the kids are so closed off, the communication skills beyond text are so limited, and they would probably respond extremely well to hearing it from someone like me.
I cried as I was reading that email. Sobbed like a baby about the fact that I had gotten through to someone. That my message would resonate with someone. Mostly that maybe I could help save a kid. As any of my frequent readers know my trauma comes from the thought of losing a child, so as bad as that hurts me everyday, the idea that maybe I could positively impact a child in need would change my life as well. Nothing in this world could heal me faster than that.
Kids are so vulnerable, and the weight of life seems so heavy on their still developing minds. Depression, anxiety, and dread become such prominent thoughts. Fear of failure in life, by age 16 is one of the leading causes of anxiety in kids. Fear of failure in life? At age 16? What are we and our educational system telling kids that would make them even have life failure on the spectrum of possibility at age 16.
I am 32-years-old and I have failed more times than most people. Now, for the first time in forever, I feel like I am starting to figure out my life as a person. The marriage stuff and work stuff will be another battle, but as a man I feel like I am getting close to becoming the man I should have been all along. 32-years-old!
I am trying to work out dates with the school and now I am trying to reach out to other schools and sports clubs as well. My message is simple, my life is simple, and I think maybe that’s all these kids need. Someone who see’s them, and doesn’t talk about climbing Mt.Everest with one leg, just about trying to figure out who you are through a series of small successes and failures.
I am starting to feel some pride, and that shit can go a long way in life!