No matter what your definition of PTSD is, whether it be mental illness or brain trauma, the result is the same. The lines between what is real and what is created in your mind are blurred, moment-to-moment, everyday. I was fortunate enough to have only experienced this for a few months. Although my therapist would disagree, saying this effected every element of my life, silently for years. None the less, it has only been a primary issue since spring. The feeling of inadequacy can feel overwhelming.
The hardest thing about having a breakdown, is being forced to look at elements of your life, and decide what was caused by you, your “illness”, or other people. Things that I had thought were other people’s issues for years, things I had made excuses for, relationships that had disintegrated, situation I believed to be unavoidable were, in fact, simple to avoid. I had been dealing with controlled constructs in my brain for years that had dictated how ALL of my relationships had been formed and developed. Much of the pretense was control.
I have very few sincere, productive relationships. I am not the most loyal person, I can dispose of people quickly, and compartmentalize the associated emotion. I shelter the people I am the closest to from pain, to hide them from how I truly feel about myself and my life, inadequate.
My whole life I have felt I was 80% of the man I wanted to be, or should have been. I have an IQ in the mid-140’s, yet I was an average student. I am an athletic 6’4, male with exceptional fine motor skills, yet I was 80% of the athlete I should have been. I love my wife with every piece of myself, but I was only 80% of the partner I was capable of being. Every part of my life is cloaked in inadequacy.
I guess the saving grace is that my fucking brain did break, and now I have had the chance to explore my inadequacies, and improve myself. I am 100% of the person I need to be for my kids, I am a great father. I am 100% a dream chaser, there is no goals I have ever set for myself that I was ever able to go for that I have said “I better not try that too”. I am 100% the biggest cheerleader for those I love and their talents, and abilities to be exceptional. If someone I care about has a dream, I will do everything in my power to motivate or assist them to try and achieve it, no matter if it is educational, business or personal, I love watching people trying to be great. Who knows, maybe that comes from a place of control as well, but it feels sincere as fuck to me.
Like everyone, there are days where I feel like shit has flat-lined, and there is little point to keep moving forward. The reasons that I find to keep going are simple, and they have nothing to do with a higher power or trying to get attention, everyday that I put my boots on and go out into the world, I have the opportunity to positively change someone’s life, even if it is simple. I can create my own type of “symbiosis” in this world.
Carve out a positive place in the world, dig in, and make some changes. As I learn to love the man that I am, I become more capable of loving those around me in the way that they need.