When i think about my wife it is difficult to express my true feelings for her, or most things in general. For those of you that have read my site with any consistency you know why, I’m a communication leper. But, over the last few months I have built a new foundation that I stand on, and expressing to her how I feel is something I have wanted to do for a very long time. Raw and without an edit. This is my story of us.
When I met my wife, I was at a bar, drunk with friends. We were attempting to pickup girls using fake accents. After several failed attempts I decided to have a smoke. I walked out to the patio and as my foot hit the first step I could hear the bouncer “No drinks outside” I turned my head to see, missed the step and launched my 250 pound frame down the stairs. I crashed into a young woman, and smashed her into a brick wall. Needless to say she was none to impressed with me. After being told to go fuck myself I walked away, only to return with my much more suave friend, who tried to salvage public opinion. He said “If this group of girls tells other girls we are assholes that will spread like wildfire” we approached and he began flirting with the beautiful, petite girl with the foul mouth. I spoke with her uninterested friend, after a few minutes we parted ways on reasonably good terms.
Shortly after that, a girl from one of my classes, that I had my eye on for the entire previous semester, approached me to dance. We danced, drank and at the end of the night she wanted to see my dorm room. We went outside the bar with my friends and she sat down to wait while we called a cab. Only then did I see that the foul mouthed girl from the smoking patio was standing close by. I needed to apologize yet again. I told the girl I was with to hold on a second and I would be right back.
I spoke with this beautiful girl, with unique eyes and a slanted smile for a while, using my best 20 year old jock lines, like “Hey, I like your tattoos”. Even with a discernible lack of game, she was giving me the time of day, so i went for it, and got her……..MSN. When I turned, to go back to my prize of the evening, she had left and I didn’t care. I had seen the girl I wanted, even in the weirdest of circumstances. The girl with those eyes, that smile and the foul mouth would end up being my wife.
We aren’t 20 anymore, we are 32. She still doesn’t look a day over 25 though. When I think about the amount of things it took for us to meet, I have a hard time not thinking about fate. I don’t believe in a higher power, but something fit together the pieces of that night. Something out there, more than luck, put us together multiple times until I finally made an attempt. I am thankful for that every day of my life.
We went from kids who didn’t want anything serious, going to clubs, making out, and “watching movies” in my dorm on Sundays, but somehow that grew and grew and turned into something that was a lot more. She was my best friend then. I rarely, if ever, told her that, but it was the truth, and no matter what has happened in our time together, she is still my best friend to this day.
The thing about my wife that was always so confusing is how she can think so little of herself. She is so beautiful, incredibly smart, well spoken, well read, funny, self-deprecating, and amazing in bed. She empathizes with people in pain, and is charitable with her time and her emotions. She manages to make everyone around her feel better, while somehow making herself feel worse. Maybe that is why she was always drawn to the Green Mile, and the John Coffey character. He had the ability to take away peoples pain and suffering and he was big enough to take on the burden. He and my wife are very similar, she is a conduit for peoples emotions, and that can be a burden that weighs on her a great deal.
My wife needs to be loved differently than most people and its a difficult framework that I have done a mediocre job of balancing for the majority of our time together. She wants to be loved and re-affirmed constantly. Told about how much she is wanted or she feels horribly distant from me. On the other side of the coin, however, she requires a lot of time to herself, she likes distance. So how does one navigate those two things? In my case I assumed that the thoughts in my head, were public knowledge and i didn’t speak often enough. I let her feel like she wasn’t what she is, the most beautiful woman in the world.
She still has the unique eyes, and the slanted smile. She definitely still has the foul mouth. But over the years she has gained nuance, she has gained even more beauty. She has the softest skin, dark curly hair and these amazing lips. Her eyes are magic, even when shes mad at you ,they are seductive in nature, and to me her body is perfect. Even after two giant babies, one via C-section. There is never a time when I see my wife exposed where I don’t get excited. I have learned every part of her body, and to me she is the most gorgeous she has ever been.
She agonizes over her “flaws”. She doesn’t like her stomach, she wishes she had thicker hair, and she wants to be more fit. She doesn’t view herself as a peer to the brightest in her industry. She feels the need to search out attention from others to feel beautiful. She creates world’s where she only shows pieces of herself to escape the feeling around who she is, and it cheats everyone around her because the complete her shouldn’t be altered to fit. She is an amazing woman. Beautiful, talented and a phenomenal mother, who unfortunately, still see’s herself as an awkward, overweight teenager. That’s not the woman I see, and when my children look at her, they don’t see flaws, they see a superhero, deserving of our love and affection.
It breaks my heart when I see her do this. I don’t see those things. This morning, even after our worst day yesterday, I woke up next to her and just watched her scroll through her phone, amazed that she chose me. She was making breakfast standing in a thong and tank-top, and I just stared, like a creep, because she is more beautiful now then ever. Even though things are tough, I will never stray from her. She is the most frustrating, challenging, complex person I have ever met. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to solve a rubix cube while blindfolded when we argue. But every painstaking moment is worth it to me. Even times like this when my heart and brain feel raw from emotion, I still want to make her happy.
When I lay in bed, awake because the nightmares are to vivid and I’m afraid to sleep, most of my night is spent trying not to wake her and touch her. Not in a sexual way, but just to feel closeness to her. I don’t want to wake her, so usually I lay there staring off into a dark room listening to her breath, and I think about all the things I didn’t say to her today, and promise myself I will tomorrow. I have missed a lot of tomorrow’s and regretted a lot of today’s during our relationship.
There are only so many ways to tell someone how you feel. I have never been good with words, so I chose this as my method. It is hard to describe what she means to me. The best way I can put it, is simple. She makes me want to be the best man I can be, the best father I can be, the best lover I can be. She makes me feel complete, and all I want to make her feel the same again because she deserves that from me.
No matter what happens between us she is my idea of perfection. I will never view her as anything else.
Shauna, I love you with all my heart.