I am still learning about my trauma everyday. I am on wait lists to begin therapy but in Canada those wait lists are very long, like up to 6 months with certain doctors. I have been forced to deal with a lot of things by myself. I am reading books, and trying to educate myself the best that I can but there is so much I can’t understand.
Without understanding the triggers for my PTSD I can never truly know how I am going to feel. On Saturday night we had friends over. It was the first time since my breakdown I had been put into a large social scenario, and because it was at my house there was no escaping it, if it went south.
Between the 10 adults and the 11 kids under 7, it was actually going rather smoothly. I was feeling optimistic, I was actually feeling good. As the sun began to sink, the kids began to demand a fire, so they could roast marshmallows. Not an obscure request, as this something that we enjoy doing and my wife and I had bought all of the necessary supplies for the s’more fest to begin. but that’s when it all changed.
I was gathering a lighter and a couple fire starting necessities, when a thought ran through my head “what if a kid falls in the fire?” and that was all she wrote. My palms began to sweat, my eyes began going dark, my pulse rate spiked, my body felt like it was vibrating, but I couldn’t move. I leaned on my sink and tried to hold back tears and nearly chewed a hole through my lips. My chest continued to tighten and things started to get blurry. I went to my bedroom after a brief conversation with my wife. I stayed away for about 20 minutes while I waited for my “attack” (I’m not sure what to call it) to end.
After the pain, fear, and confusion began to subside I ventured back out to the party, from that point on I was in my own head, I was desperately hoping the night would end. about an hour later it finally did.
I feel like isolating myself. I feel like being alone so I don’t hurt anyone or melt down. I have had tears in my eyes for a week and a half with no moments of levity. I am short with my kids, and I am still in a dispute with my wife. I fear that this is how I will always feel. That this is who and what I am now.
My therapy cannot start soon enough.