Sometimes it’s hard to think about life. Yesterday was my birthday. Big number 32. I woke to the news of my Aunt’s passing, and things went from there.
I am obviously still learning to cope with my new set of mental circumstances. Being afraid has been a part of nearly every moment recently. I have uncontrollable anger one moment, and in the next I am sobbing in near panic. The PTSD whirl wind has my mind going in so many different directions.
My wife tried to be warm to me for portions of the day, but by days end I had faded into the minutia of her existence. My kids behaved horribly and actually made me have a lovely afternoon panic attack. We went for a beautiful dinner at a local hot-spot we love, the owner even bought us all dessert because we frequently go for breakfast there on Mondays. It should have been a wonderful night, a wonderful meal, but unfortunately I could take no joy from it.
Malaise has become my static feeling. I have good moments and bad, but the bad cloud my mind, and the good are far too fleeting. I try to stay busy to keep from the dread settling in my mind, but there are times in the day where it can’t be avoided. I cant even explain the vastness of my feelings, I don’t know if there is one emotion that covers it, but I guess fearful is close enough.
My birthday ended with a fight. I nearly left my own home, I had no other idea of what could be done, I just needed to be away. Loneliness is so much more painful when there are people around who could be reviving you. I still feel as if I have nothing. I still feel like maybe going away would be for the best. I’m not sure what the next step for me is?
In my current state I couldn’t even begin to lead a workplace, I’m not even sure I could walk in the door without collapsing into a ball on the ground, my anxiety peaks with even the thought of a workplace. So I have to deal with the realistic possibility that work may have to go on the back-burner for a while yet. More fear. More panic. Less understanding from those around me. How long until I become a hindrance on my family?
All I want is to trade lives. I want my family, but I want us in a different place and time and set of circumstances. I love them so much but I don’t see how I will be able to provide for them. I just want a small house, on a lot of land, with animals and crops and enough internet to run our family business ( http://www.lovesimplymade.ca). Simple, clean, and valuable.
I sometimes drift into my thoughts about survivalism and small life, and I can feel my anxiety melt away. However, I then open my eyes and the reality of life hits me right in the dick. I thrive on work, I am a borderline workaholic. I take pride and identity from being reliable and consistent. But maybe it’s time to use those skills to build something for myself. I can’t give more of myself and my family for corporate gains. I need a new plan, my mind is relying on it.
Clearly what I am doing now, sure as shit isn’t working.