My superpower is self-doubt.

If I could have a superpower it may just be the ability to read the minds of others. I have always been curious about how others think. I have always been curious about what others think of me. I have always been the person to read other people’s words and actions and try tor derive a reason for them. Everything a person does or says tells you something about them. So what would they say about me? Who am I in the eyes of others?

As a naturally larger man, varying degrees of large, but a big man none the less, I have always had self-image issues. No matter what my body composition I have always covered up, or made attempt to layer or wear larger close to avoid people seeing my trouble areas. I have a belly, no denying it, but that doesn’t mean I should feel uncomfortable dressing how I want to dress and it definitely shouldn’t alter the way I behave, but it does. I tell myself every day that it is silly to feel this way. Inferior to smaller people, and tempted to overcompensate because of this. Feeling shitty about how clothes feel and how you feel about yourself isn’t just a problem for women. It affects men as well.

My wife is always saying how good I look, and I really do want to believe her, but she is, as we know, legally obligated to find me delicious. It is a lovely side benefit of our marriage. Despite her very complimentary attitude towards my physical shortcomings, I need to feel great about me and I don’t think that comes from weight-loss. It comes from other people giving you the bedroom eyes, it comes from feeling glances and stares from strangers. How fucked is that? Our societal feeling of attractiveness not coming from loved ones but the momentary glances of strangers. What a flawed concept. Personal growth is the goal, and this piece is as important as the physical transformation.

It has been 1 month since I began my new Ketogenic lifestyle. The month has been fun in a lot of ways. Every time I eat a meal, someone is shocked by the fact I am on a diet. Today at lunch I ate 6 oz of butter brushed flank steak, with jalapenos, 4 slices of bacon, 2 oz of cheddar cheese, 2 tablespoons of mayo, 1 oz of hot sauce wrapped in iceberg lettuce with a side of broccoli. That is nearly 1000 calories. This is considered a fairly tame meal in my day to day life. Fat is my life at this point, whether it is eating it or focusing on losing it. I must think about ketosis 100 times per day. The obsession may be unhealthy, but for the first time in years, I am, and it feels great.

4 inches gone, weight is pouring off, my energy is high, my digestion is the best it has ever been, and I feel more confident about my body, step by step things are coming together. I hate that I am so hard on myself physically, so worried about what others think, it infuriates me because in my mind I am as sure about every other element of my being as anyone can be. I believe that I can do anything, I never feel inferior intellectually, even athletically I have always been confident, maybe even arrogant, but I find I can’t get past this body-mind block.” Why can’t I look like that” Is something I think every day, usually even several times per day. Maybe my lifestyle change will alter that, maybe this will be with me forever. Who knows. But I am willing to make myself uncomfortable in the mean time.

If this year is about personal development for me, then I need to shake this. I need to put myself out there and attempt to be more confident. Wear the clothes I previously would not, be proud at the pool, Flaunt who I am for better or for worse. That is how I change myself for the better. It may sound corny but you gotta love yourself first.

 


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